I don’t like 2020 Already. I hate 2019

Listening to gospel songs makes me want to cry, that I feel a wee bit of calm

But then I want to cry more because God says he’s here for us

So why go through all of these things

Knowing that God can change everything in a second and still doesn’t

You made a way when our backs are against the wall and it looks as if it was over

At this point, other times, I’d be hopeful and say, damn, things will be better, but now I am at a point where I just live minute by minute, not looking forward to the next minute. The beach doesn’t excite me, food doesn’t excite me, I now understand where the Psalmist said it was all vanity. I have always read that, now I can internalise it better.

I try to look at the year going forward, and all I see is dark, seems like the beginning of a long dark tunnel, I can feel the heaviness, I can feel the choking darkness.

It's like we will be looking for little bits of things that can make us happy.   A little joke will be precious as gold. We can't see, I can't see it's all messed up.

I am not encouraged seeing friends, family, colleagues all going through a lot.  Why are things the way they are? Are we expecting too much? Should we say thanks even when the things that make us happy are not working out?

Can we find someone who will understand us, and not tell us to be grateful for being alive? Can we be allowed to express our pain without fear of someone telling us that we are having it better than others?

Where have we gone wrong? Are our sins so bad? I am at a 50/50 point. I want to pray, I don’t want to pray.  If I pray, what can I say? Nothing, I’d spend it all crying, I’d spend it all asking him why?

If I don’t pray? Can I do it on my own (right now I don’t even know if I want things to get better or things just end any way they please).

I don’t know, I don’t know, I have no clue, no idea, I don’t know why we have to go through so much and also endure the pain of seeing others going through so much. I feel bad, I can only imagine how many others must be feeling.

I won’t pretend to be happy when I am not. I am not happy, I smile but I am not happy. Everything is a mess.

God, I know you are reading this, I have questions, my friends have questions, people I don’t know have questions. If not for me, come through for others today, Thank you.

I am choosing to have hope, I am choosing to hope and I am believing it will end well, what I don't get is the price we have to pay for this to end well. It could end well without all the mess that is coming